Blondi Moments

2012-01-11T21:51:00.001-07:00

Obviously

2009-10-11T20:42:00.002-06:00

It was an uneventful summer.

I seem to post in spurts. I tend to babble when I have nothing to say. So I think I have mercifully spared the blogosphere the nothingness I would have spewed here.

Really. Nothing happened this summer. It seemed short, more like spring and this weekend we had snow. Even the 4th of July was cold and rainy.

I had hoped to enter the holiday season a much smaller girl. It didn't happen. I'm so tired of struggling with my failure at weight loss. Another thing I do in spurts. I should have just titled this post Spurts.

Tomorrow is Monday. Here I go again. Promising myself that I will be strong, have will power and the energy to workout. I'm going to bed with these resolutions bouncing around in my brain.

Nothing

2009-05-31T21:47:00.003-06:00

Well, it has been awhile. I was never really good at journaling, makes me wonder sometimes why I have a blog. I'm not a great writer, actually, I'm not very good at all. I don't keep up with it, I'm not entertaining.

Of course, I mostly do this for my own therapy. And once again, I need a little therapy.

I'm so very tired. I haven't been sleeping well for a few weeks now. My biggest desire is just one night of good, uninterrupted sleep. No dreams, no pain, no big yellow lab hogging the bed. As much as I love my dog and I love to snuggle with her, sometimes I wish she would sleep on that big fluffy dog bed that just collects dust.

I guess I didn't really have that much to say after all...

How to get out of jury duty without even trying...

2009-04-15T21:01:00.002-06:00

Apparently, being related to a deputy sheriff for the county jail does not make you a poplular choice to defendants and their attorneys. When I was called to sit in the jury box, the defendant and attorney began whipsering loudly and the defendant told his attorney, "get her out of there".

Okey dokey. I'll try not to cry about it.

I didn't have the time or patience to sit on a jury anyway.

Thank you to my brother-in-law, I appreciate you career choice and it's effect on my Wednesday afternoon.

Thundersnow.

2009-04-01T20:02:00.004-06:00

This is what it looked like when I left work this afternoon. It looked like a bean bag had exploded all over the place. It was accompanied by thunder AND because that wasn't weird enough... there was lightening too.

Thunder and freakin' lightening... with snow! WTF?

This is what it looked like on the freeway. Yes, I took this while I was driving.

Welcome to Colorado.

The voice in my head....

2009-03-14T18:53:00.004-06:00

Has an english accent.

I've been reading Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic series. I just started the fourth book this morning, Shopaholic and Sister. They are funny and a little addicting. I finish one and immediatly start on the next. I will admit that I'm having a slight panic attack because I haven't purchased the fifth book in the series yet and at the rate I'm reading them I will be finished within the next few days.

So... the voice. Don't judge me, you know you have a voice too.

But since I started reading these books the voice has aquired an english accent. I'm sure it has something to do with reading it in an english accent. I did the same thing when I read Harry Potter. However, there is something a little different this time. I have started using british words like telly instead of TV, loads instead of lots and I've actually called my mom... mum.

I could be in trouble. Because even though there is only one book left in this series, Kinsella has a few other books as well. And thanks to google, I've found loads (see?) of authors who write something I'd never even knew existed... Brit Chick Lit. I've been so busy reading trashing vampire books that I missed this whole other genre.

I really wanted to see the movie then I found out how much it is not like the books. First of all Becky isn't english. WTF? But I adore Isla Fisher. Again... adore? I never use the word adore. So when I started reading the books, Isla was Becky, you know... in my head.

Well, I guess that is all I really have to say about that. I'm going to curl up with a spot of tea and read my book.

Date Night!

2009-03-11T17:19:00.002-06:00

The universe must be off balance today. It is Wednesday and we are going to a movie tonight... on a weeknight... on a work night.... when we have to get up and go to work the next day....

I would like to think my husband is being romantic, suprising me by taking me to a movie in the middle of the week, but I have a suspicion he is just craving movie theatre popcorn. Whatever the reason, I'm excited. Plus, he is taking me to a chick flick... okay, now I know it's only for the popcorn.

Still.....

A Day of Rest...

2009-03-08T14:28:00.005-06:00

I wish.

So far today I've stripped the sheets off the bed and washed them. Just waiting for them to finish drying so I can make the bed. I've vacuumed the entire house, which I have to say, I enjoyed. Since hiring a cleaning lady I never get to use my Dyson and I seriously heart my Dyson. So the vacuuming was fun. Let's see... oh yes, then I cleaned up Bailey's poos, a weekly chore I hate, but it has to be done. I just got back from the grocery store because I did my shopping last night and they were out of milk. How does a grocery store run out of milk? Anyway, I had to go grab some today. THEN I had to dodge the crafty little Girl Scouts hawking their evil cookies in front of the store. Oh yeah, and I made breakfast this morning.

Seriously, why do I whine about this stuff? Isn't this the life I wanted? Taking care of my home, my man, my dog? I just don't ever remember my mom ever looking as exhausted as I feel. I just want to have one of those days where all the dishes are done, the shopping is completed with everything organized neatly in the cupboards and fridge, the bed is made, the house is clean and I get to sit out on the deck sipping lemonade and reading a book all day.

Sigh... I'm looking forward to taking a long, hot shower then climbing into a freshly made bed and reading until I fall asleep tonight. I can almost make it through the night without coughing. I'm rambling. Time to get outta here....

So....

2009-03-03T19:51:00.006-07:00

as good as my chicken soup tastes, it is not a miracle worker.

I have bronchitis again and maybe strep throat. Still waiting for the results on that one.

I'm tired because I cough all night and can't seem to get a good night's sleep.

I'm grumpy because I'm really sick of being sick.

I'm frustrated because I have some goals I'd like to accomplish and I can't seem to work on them when I feel like I want to die.

I'm pretty sure I've coughed up a lung somewhere around here.

I hope nobody steps on it....

I feel like caca. Is that how you spell that?

2009-03-01T13:30:00.003-07:00

I am tired today. And sore. And sick.

I can't believe I am sick again. This sucks, and at the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat.... it's not freakin' fair. I've already had three plus months of flu, cold and bronchitis. Not to mention this relapse that has just about sent me over the edge.

So last week I only worked three days. Then the plan was to enjoy a nice, long four day weekend for my birthday. Ha. On Monday my boss came into the office, walked quickly back to his desk and shut the door. He IM'd me that he was sick and would stay away from me as much as possible. For an engineer working as a financial advisor, he is pretty stupid. He is obviously unaware that germs travel. More specifically, they travel in my general direction.

He came in on Tuesday and his face was all red. Nope, not feeling any better, but still felt the need to come in and spread his germs. By Wednesday I hated him. I couldn't get out of there fast enough at the end of the day.

Thursday was my birthday, and what an uneventful day that was... but that's a whole other Oprah.

Friday morning I woke up with a sore throat.

I was lazy yesterday and didn't make the bed. Around 10pm I decided to go back to bed and read for a while. While trying to get to the light next to the bed in the dark, my feet got tangled in the one of the blankets from the bed and down I went.

I'm not going to bore myself with repeating all the crying and swearing I did, because, well.. it wasn't pretty.

I've got a pot of chicken soup cooking on the stove. I'm hoping it works some magic because I want to feel well enough tomorrow so I can go to work and rip my boss a new one.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY....

2009-02-26T09:50:00.002-07:00

to me.

Today is my birthday. I'm 42. 42!!!! How did that happen? I don't feel 42. My husband assures me that I don't look 42.... so, what's the deal??

I usually don't like my birthday. I'm trying to change that this year. I took the day off, I've never done that before. And just because I felt like it, I took tomorrow off too. Nice long 4 day weekend for my birthday. Yea...

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do today.

Only the good die young.

2009-02-22T21:23:00.003-07:00

Rick's boss was diagnosed with MS about 5 years ago. At the time I had no idea what MS was. I had heard of it, but didn't have a clue.

Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with the most rare type of the most progressive form of MS, Primary Progessive (PPMS). Within a year he was in a wheel chair and within 2 years he was not able to work anymore.

When I was diagnosed, he was almost completely paralized and mostly confined to his home. I never met him, but felt that I knew him and had a connection with him because we shared an understanding of this horrible disease. He always asked about me and I about him, Rick was our go between in this friendship.

Rick visited him often, as a representative from the company but mostly, as his friend. Rick spoke with him on Tuesday while he was working on getting cable and internet issues resolved for him. He tried calling him again on Wednesday for an update but was unable to get a hold of him. His wife called on Thursday to tell Rick that Don had had a stroke the night before. He wasn't doing well.

Rick received a call this morning that Don had passed away in his sleep last night.

I've been struggling with my feelings all day. How can I cry for a man I've never met? My heart hurts. Rick has remained remarkably composed all day. He explained that he has had a lot of death in his life (his older sister, mom, dad) which has given him practice on keeping it together. But I know he is hurting. He was very close to Don. And whether or not he will admit it, I know it must weigh on his mind that this could be our future.

We stopped by Don's house on Christmas Eve and took him a tin of my homemade caramel corn. He sent us his Christmas/New Year's letter about the middle of January and made mention of how much he appreciated our visit (I stayed in the car due to having bronchitis and not wanting to get him sick) and how he loved the caramel corn. I had been wanting to make some more for him. I even bought all the ingrediants. But I never got around to making it. I wish I had made the time.

His funeral will be this Saturday. Rest in peace Don.

Slow, deep breaths...

2009-02-21T11:06:00.003-07:00

In the last 3 years I've probably had 20 MRIs.

A new neurologist I saw, after looking through my charts, said "well, you've been MRI'd to death, haven't you?"

You would think I would be used to them by now. You would think it would be old hat, no big deal. You would think I wouldn't stress about them days before.

You would think.

I have an MRI scheduled for Monday afternoon. Blech.

Once I'm in there, I'm okay. I actually relax and sometimes even fall asleep. Which is pretty amazing consindering the amount of noise these machines make.

Bang bang bang bang bang.

Knock knock knock knock.

Grind grind grind grind.... etc, etc, etc.

I used to dread the brain MRIs the most. They strap your head down with a mask type thing. I start breathing really fast the moment they click it into place.

But Monday's MRI is view my cervical spine. Which means that I will go deeper into the tube than I do for the brain. And the farther I go in, the more I feel like I'm trapped, in my coffin.

Sick, I know. I just can't stop the thoughts.

They tell me the first part will last about 20 minutes. Sometimes, I actually count out the twenty minutes. I count in time to the bang knock grinding. One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three....

Then I get to come out for a dye injection. I don't have very cooperative veins. They are tired of getting poked and they dive the second a needle is anywhere near.

Ten more minutes in the tube. Then I'm done.

Untill the next time.

Baby blues...

2009-02-15T20:58:00.003-07:00

I'm feeling a little blue tonight. We went to the hospital to visit our newest nephew this afternoon. He was born yesterday, Valentine's Day.

He had some problems in the womb that they were aware of, and unfortunately had to have surgery immediately after being born. It seems he is doing well but still has one more surgery to endure on Tuesday.

He is beautiful.

Just being there brought back some pretty serious longings I have been trying to ignore. I pretend to be okay that I will never have a baby. But it's not okay. My heart hurts.

2009-02-07T21:13:00.003-07:00

I was sitting at someone else's kitchen table. My face down, forehead pressing against the cool surface. My heart hurt. It felt like it was broken. Why was I here? Why was I doing this?

I lifted my head, it felt heavy. Tears that had been flowing freely from my eyes had left a pool of liquid. I took the damp tissue that was balled up in my hand and soaked it up.

I couldn't do this! Why was I doing it? How did it ever come to this.

Someone touched my hand. I blinked, trying to clear my vision. Everything was blurry.

I tilted my head down. I was sure that my chest would have a huge, gaping hole where my heart had been.

From the corner of my eye I saw her. Her head tilted to the side, brow furrowed in concern. She was concerned about me. Me! I was doing.. this, THIS! And she was concerned about me.

I put my head back down. I felt my shoulders heave as sobs shook my body.

Something cold and wet nudged my arm. Softly at first, then more insistent. I knew it was her, she hated to see my cry. She had been with me during some of my darkest days. My best friend. She had followed at my heels when my legs and feet had been so numb I could barely walk. If she could, I know she would have tried to catch me if I had fallen. And because that would have been impossible, she would have laid by my side until help came. We had spent so many hours with each other when I was unable to go to work and was trapped in my home, a prisoner of a body that was conspiring against me. She licked away my tears the night the doctor called me at home and told me I had Multiple Sclerosis.

This moment was darker, more heartbreaking than any I had ever experienced. Her brown eyes were full of questions. She didn't understand and neither did I.

The human hand touched mine again. I had to get through this.

Her basket of toys was on the floor. I began pulling them out, one by one. Each one had it's own memory, it's own story. And so I began to explain, choking back the intense emotion that threatened to overwhelm me.

Thoughts were racing around my head. No one would ever love her as much as I do. What if she didn't like them? What if they didn't play with her? What if they made her sleep on the floor, or worse... outside? What if they didn't keep her water bowl filled? What if they yelled at her? She gets her feelings hurt so easily.

No. I couldn't do this. Whatever the reasons were, it didn't matter.

I scanned the room for an escape. But it was too late. They were leading her away from me. She twisted her head around, her eyes pleading for some understanding. No, no, no, no, no....

She was gone.

I woke up. My pillow was soaked from tears. Real tears. I had been dreaming and crying in my sleep. Bailey felt movement and did a belly crawl up from the bottom of the bed where she slept with us. Her soft, warm tongue licked away the tears. I cried harder, grateful it was only a dream.

A nightmare.

I hugged her and let her kiss me as much as she wanted.

Facebook

2009-01-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

I have become a Facebook junkie.
I'm not quite sure how it happened, but it did.
I'm on it all the time.
I think I need professional help.

Big Love.

2009-01-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

I love this show.

The new season just started a couple of weeks ago and Sunday nights are fun again. I guess it is kind of ironic that polygamy is one of the main reasons I have issues with the church, yet I'm totally drawn to this show.

Yes, I know. The church doesn't practice polygamy anymore... yada yada yada...

BUT, they still believe it is an eternal principle and I find that repulsive.

The only way I will allow Rick to take a second wife is if she does all the housework, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, etc... and absolutely hates sex. Oh, and she would have to be fugly too.

Stunt Girl....

2009-01-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

So this whole loss of balance thing has been a pain in my ass.

And last night it literally was a pain in my ass. Leaving Jason's house after poker, I missed the last step... even though I was hanging onto Rick's shoulders. One moment I was taking a step and the next I was on the cold sidewalk staring at the stars.

I think I freaked Rick out a little. I didn't want to get up right away. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I wanted the MS to go away. I wanted to have some balance back. I wanted a stunt double.

I'm sore today.

Why not me? WTF?

2009-01-23T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm having a little pity party. I'm tired of having MS. I wish I could be one of those strong people who smile through the pain, persevere through the obstacles and like on an MS message board post, say "why not me" instead of why me...

But I just can't. Not today.

I started having a relapse after Thanksgiving. My MRI confirmed a new lesion on my brain stem and I spent the holidays on steroids. (That was fun, by the way).

I've lost my balance. I walk like a drunk person without the enjoyment of consuming the alcohol it would take to make me look like I do. The left side of my face, especially my tongue, gums and inside of my cheek is numb. I gained I don't know how much weight while on the prednisone. And, just because all of that wasn't fun enough, I got bronchitis.

So I'm sorry, I have to say... why me? I can't be positive about this and smile and say why not me. It ain't happening. Not today.

Change is coming....

2009-01-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

Or so they say. And by they I mean Hollywood. I've been watching all the hoopla the last two days and honestly, you would think this was the second coming. Oprah is on right now, she is in DC.... nuff said.

I'm willing to give him a chance, but please people, let him prove himself first.

Oh, and I'm just curious. Does his half black side cancel out his half white side? Just wonderin'...

Bailey & Me

2009-01-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

Rick and I went to Marley & Me during our Christmas vacation. I didn't want to see it but considering this movie borders on being a "chick flick", I didn't want to miss the opportunity.

I started crying within the first couple of minutes and didn't stop until several days later.

Bailey is five years old. I know she has a lot of years left, but the thought of her getting old and well.... lets just say I'm struggling with it. For anyone who knows us, Bailey is our life. Everything revolves around her, she is the child we never had. She is sleeping by my feet right now.

Well, go see Marley & Me at your own risk. I couldn't watch it again, it would kill me.

Wow, I've been gone a loooong time.

2008-12-29T23:16:00.000-07:00

A cousin recently sent me a link to her new blog, and it inspired me to get back on here. This used to be such great therapy, and since I've got so much... umm, stuff going on right now, I could use a little therapy.

So here I am.

The holidays have really nice, hectic and tiring, but isn't that how it always goes? I miss my family so much! Yet being with Rick's family is the next best thing.

It's late and I'm really tired. Yea! Four nights in a row of insomnia, I could use a good night's sleep.

The Best Day Ever!

2007-10-26T16:49:00.000-06:00

I don't think too many people read this, but for the one or two that do, here is a picture of my wedding day... It was amazing!!!

A Family Reunion

2007-06-08T17:53:00.000-06:00

My mom just told me a couple of days ago that my brother and his family will be coming to my wedding. They weren't going to be able to make it because it was going to be too expensive to fly 5 people out here and pay for a hotel... so my parents bought their tickets and they are coming. I'm so happy and so excited. This will be the first time in 8 years that my family has been together. We've all seen each other seperately, but the last time we were all together was right before I moved to Denver.

Less than 5 months away now... I feel it coming toward me at supersonic speed. Makes my palms sweat when I think about it...

Still can't wait to see my family though =)

A beautiful day.

2007-05-25T18:26:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my friend Brittany's wedding. It was perfect. She was beautiful, the groom made everyone cry during the ceremony with the things he said about her. There was good food, candlelight, flowers, dancing and cake. The picture of us was taken in the bride's room right before we went down to the ceremony.

I feel so honored to have been a part of the day.

Second guessing.

2007-05-22T17:07:00.001-06:00

And third, fourth and fifth guessing.

That is what I have been doing a lot of lately, and it is pushing me to the edge. I can't even begin to explain what is going on with me right now. I constantly have a million questions running through my mind. I'll list them...

1. Was dark purple the right color?
2. Should I have chosen a different color?
3. Is it too late for another color?
4. Do I really want to get married in Art and Sandra's church?
5. Do I really want to pay that much to get married in their church?
6. Should we just get married in my church, for free?
7. How weird would it be to get married in a church that won't let you have your ceremony in the chapel?
8. Do I really want to get married in a room that has a basketball hoop hanging overhead and won't let me burn candles?
9. Why didn't I push harder to get married on July 7?
10. Will I totally mess up everyone else's plans if we change the date?
11. Do I really want everyone looking at me?
12. Does Rick still love me and want to marry me or have I driven him over the edge as well?
13. Why is everything so expensive?
14. Why can't I seem to stick to my diet? (my dress is never going to fit)
15. Why did I buy a dress that is too small, hoping to fit into it?
16. Am I crazy?
17. Is anyone even going to want to come to this wedding?
18. Does anyone even care enough to bother?
19. Is the planning and my craziness going to break us up before we have a chance to walk down the isle?
20. Why are flowers so expensive?
21. What food are we going to serve?
22. Are cream cheese mints a Mormon thing?
23. Why has this wedding gotten so out of control?
24. Is there anyway to scale it back down?
25. Will every one hate me if I change my mind about all the details?
26. How can I get Rick to be more a part of the planning?
27. Will my dress ever fit?
28. When have I ever wanted 5 months to go by so slowly, yet I can't wait to marry him?
29. How long will my hair be by then?
30. To register or not to register???
31. Where is the Captain Morgans?

These are just a few of the questions I've been asking myself over and over and over. I feel like this has all gotten so out of control, I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I'm feeling like a failure in this whole planning thing.

So much for my Martha title.

The count down has officially begun.

2007-05-20T21:36:00.000-06:00

Five months from today I will be getting married. Five months have already passed since we got engaged, and they have passed quickly. It's almost a little scary. But also very exciting.

My friend Brittany's wedding is this week. It's so funny that we are getting married the same year. Last fall she was cutting Rick's hair and we were talking about her ring and the wedding plans, and she came right out and asked Rick when he was going to buy my ring. I laughed a bit, mostly because I knew he probably felt uncomfortable being put on the spot like that, but also because I didn't believe it would ever happen.

Now here we are, she is getting married in 4 days and I'm getting married in 5 months. Amazing how life changes so quickly.

Gulp.

2007-04-09T22:25:00.000-06:00

I bought my wedding gown Saturday. Looking at that dress haning on the closet door sure makes this all seem very real. And up until now, it has been somewhat dreamlike.

It is a really beautiful dress. I love it. I hope Rick loves it. I hope he loves me in it.

I'm signing up at Curves tomorrow. Lots of areas that need to be tightened and toned. I've got less than 6 months. The seamstress who is doing the alterations said she could do them up to 2 weeks before the wedding. That is cutting it a little close. I want it done and ready to wear a month before. So I basically have 5 months. I'll never be the size I wish I was by the wedding. But I know I can do enough to look good in this dress.

I'm so tired. My muscle relaxer is kicking in... Better go to bed.

Hello again.... Hello.

2007-03-24T15:39:00.000-06:00

Crazy busy.
That has been my life for the last month or so.

On Thursday, February 15 I left work for the day, said to my boss "have a good night, see you tomorrow", to which he replied (as he has every day for the last 5 years) "okay, have a good night". I walked into the office Friday morning and it was empty. Everything except the standard Edward Jones office stuff, was gone... all the plants, pictures, tables, refrigerator, microwave, shelves... etc...

I was shocked. I remember I just kept saying, no, no, no, no, no...

This happens all the time in the stock brokerage/financial industry. I just thought if he were ever going to leave, I would know, AND he would tell me.

So, needless to say, the last month has been very busy. They replaced him rather quickly, the following Monday was a holiday and Tuesday the new "boss" started. I haven't worked this much overtime in years. I haven't taken a lunch since February 15. All of my wedding planning has been put on the back burner because I don't have the time or the energy to even think about it right now. And it's only 7 months away! Which may seem like a long time, but 10 months seemed like a long time, and I haven't gotten anything done since then. How dare he quit while I'm trying to plan a wedding! Doesn't he know it's all about me????

Breathe....

Wow! I have been so busy...

2007-02-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

And it doesn't seem like I've accomplished anything.

I have been engaged for over a month now. I'm still a little bit in shock. I check my finger several times a day, just to make sure I'm not imagining the ring. Nope, I'm not... it's really there!

So far, planning a wedding hasn't been as much fun as I thought it would be. My biggest obstacle has been finding a place big enough to hold at least 200 people, and yet be in our price range. After doing a bazillion searches on the internet, making hundreds of calls (okay, I'm exaggerating just a tad...) and seeing several places, we finally decided on Rick's brother and sister's church. It has a beautiful sanctuary (chapel) where we will be married and a fellowship hall with a kitchen where we will have the reception.

We also finally set the date... October 20, 2007. Originally, we had wanted October 26 which is the day we celebrate as our anniversary, but the church was already booked for that evening, so we just moved it up a week earlier.

Next on my list: My colors for the wedding and our attendants. I've changed my colors about a dozen times already. I'm at the point now where I just wish someone would tell me what to use. If I had the money, I would hire a wedding planner. But the attendants....OMG. I have several friends in mind and I'm just waiting on Rick to pick who he wants. He is more torn than I am. He is so afraid of hurting someone's feelings if he doesn't ask them, I gently tried to remind him today that this is our day, not anyone elses. We still aren't any closer to making a decision.

We did have fun talking about music last night, especially which song would be our first dance song. I have a list about a mile long that I think would be great and have special meaning. But Rick suprised me by having his own opinion about it. And his choice was so thoughtful, it made me get a little teary-eyed. So that is something else I can check off the list.

I'm using a wedding planning web site and after only being engaged for 42 days I already have 26 items overdue on my checklist and 176 more items to do. Vegas is looking better and better... although, Rick's sister-in-law told me earlier this week that if we did that, we would both be removing her foot from our butts... ouch.

Guess I'll keep working on that list...

Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married...

2006-12-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

Well, probably not a chapel, but we are getting married. And I'm feeling very bridal right now. I've already bought 2 bridal magazines and I've searched dresses, cakes, invitations etc... until my computer is sick of hearing about the wedding.

It's all a little overwhelming. Because, I really never actually thought we would ever get married. Oh, in the beginning, I fantasized about it. But as the years went on, it seemed less like a possibility. And now that it is a reality, I'm freaking out! Oh please don't let me turn into one of those bridezillas I hate!

We set a date. Well, okay... I set the date. We talked about it today, and he said sometime in the fall. Good. I was hoping for October 26, which is the anniversary we already celebrate (it is the day I moved in with him). Actually, he said that I should just tell him when and where and he will show up with the ring. Ha ha. Ha. Hahahahahahaha....!

I'm okay with planning this by myself. I've got 10 months to work with. This shouldn't be a problem....

October 26, 2007. Save the date!

I forgot to say yes... duh!

2006-12-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

Much to my utter shock and amazement, Rick popped the question on Christmas Eve. I don't really remember him asking, I was so disbelieving, that the whole moment is a blur to me. I remember him holding a box and getting down on one knee and the next thing I knew I had a beautiful engagement ring on my finger.

He told me today that I never said yes. I asked him what I said and apparently, I just cried. What a blubbering baby! So I made sure he knew my answer today, I told him YES, YES, YES, YES....... YES!!!

No, we haven't set a date yet. I'm still trying to let this sink in. I really, truly never believed this would happen. I have always pictured us together, but the marriage thing just didn't seem like part of the picture. He didn't tell anyone that he was going to ask me, except for my Dad. He told him he was going to do the right thing and make an honest woman out of me. I guess at our age, and after you have lived together for 7 years, you don't exactly have to ask permission from the father, but I'm glad of how he did it.

So, I'm floating on a cloud right now.

Life is very good.

Blue

2006-11-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

I am very blue today.
I have cried and cried and cried.
For no apparent reason.
For a million reasons.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of having muscle spasms at 2 in the morning.
Everyday.
I can handle the spasms. The muscle relaxers take about 45 minutes to kick in.
But... WHY do they have to hit me while I'm sleeping.
Or trying to sleep?

Cry baby titty mouse.
Laid an egg in my house.

Just something I remember both my mother and my grandmother saying.

No wonder I'm warped.

Happy Halloween..... whaahaahaahaaa!

2006-10-31T19:53:00.000-07:00

I love Halloween! I love this time of year, the crunchy leaves, the warm days and the cold nights. The fog and the creepy looking moon. I love the little kids dressed up as skeletons and ghost and witches. And Captain Jack Sparrow... I've seen a few of those today.

I've already eaten way too much candy. I had so much candy corn at work today that I'm sure to have a sugar hang over tomorrow.

My cat hates me right now. She has been giving evil looks all night because I won't let her outside. We locked her in this morning and won't let her out until Halloween is over... she is black and a Halloween kitty.

I think I'll go have another Snickers... good thing I'm starting that diet tomorrow....hehe.

AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

2006-10-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

My friend Brittany is getting married in May. I think I've blogged about this before... she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I am truly honored.

Today she sent me a picture of the bridesmaid dress that I am going to be measured for on Saturday. I am truly freaked out.

Strapless. Enough said.

But, I told her I wouldn't complain about the dress, this is her day. And so, this is the only complaining I will do.

Now I'm off to lift weights. See ya.

Can't Sleep

2006-10-28T22:21:00.000-06:00

Well, seeing my friend Kari, after 18 years was weird, but nice. She has gotten older (I think I expected her to look exactly like she did 18 years ago-I wish I looked like I did 18 years ago, she did look good though), she has 2 teenage kids. It was very hard for me to wrap my brain around. I still think of her as the teenagers we were when we spent all of our time together. She seemed happy, like she has had a good life. I hope it won't be 18 more years before we see each other again.

Why does time seem to go by so quickly? Rick and I just had our 7 year anniversary. 7 YEARS!

It's 5:30am and I can't sleep. I started having spasticity (muscle spasm associated with MS) about a week ago. They are kind enough to hit me in the middle of the night and wake me from a dead sleep. The doctor gave me some muscle relaxers, but they don't seem to be helping that much. They make me feel sleepy, but I eventually wake up from the pain.

So I'm having extemely bad feel sorry for myself thoughts. I guess pain and lack of sleep can do that to a person, or at least to me. I get on the MS message boards when I'm feeling like this, and it helps to have other people out there who can relate, especially at 5 in the morning, when all I can do is cry.

Okay... the words are starting to swirl around on the page... guess the muscle relaxer is kicking in.... think I'll go back to bed now... nighty night.

BFF

2006-09-20T18:41:00.000-06:00

I had a best friend growing up. Her name was Kari Menter and we were best friends from around 7-8th grade until after we graduated. We did everything together. We scheduled our classes together, we spent Friday nights at each other's house. We rode our bikes everywhere, before we could drive. We talked about boys and our crushes. We shared clothes. We spent hours tying up our phone lines talking about nothing. Then we would write notes to each other during class and fold them like mini envelopes, and read them as we walked through the halls onto the next class. I find that so weird now. Why didn't we just talk?

Anyway, we lost touch with each other and one year blended into the next and before you know it, we hadn't talked to each other in 6 years and hadn't even seen each other in 18!!! I shouldn't be old enough that I can say I haven't seen my best friend for 18 years. That's an entire adult.

I looked her up and called her a few weeks ago. I'm going to see her this weekend. I'm so freaking excited and nervous at the same time. We don't even know each other any more. Am I expecting too much from this? Like I usually do? We were such good friends! But if we were such good friends, how come we lost touch and didn't see each other for 18 years? She has 2 kids I've never met. She has never met Rick.

My stomach is doing flip flops. I can't wait...

Hello, my old friend...

2006-08-28T21:37:00.000-06:00

It has been 3 months since I started giving myself shots for my MS. It feels like I have been doing it forever and yet I still feel like I'm kind of in denial that I'm even sick.

The steroids I was so dreading seemed to finally work, some what. My vision improved but my right hand is still numb. I guess I will take what I can get.

I don't spend as much time on the National MS Society message boards as I used to. I'm thinking that is a good sign... like I'm moving on and living my life not my MS (borrowed that from my Rebif literature). But it is true. In April I was consumed by MS, now it is just something that I deal with. I still pray every day that they find a cure, but I don't fantasize about what it will be like when they do. I'm so good at giving myself my shots now that I'm usually done when Rick is asking me if I've started yet. I eventually have to teach him how to do it, just in case... but I'm hoping it never comes to that.

I go in tomorrow for blood work. This is a big test. If my liver is still functioning properly, I can continue to take the Rebif. It there are problems, then I may have to take a different med. I'm finally getting used to the side effects, I hope that I don't have to start over.

Well, I need to go to bed. It feels good to get back on here... I'll have to work on doing this more often, kinda like visiting an old friend. One who lets me do all the talking...

What a slacker!

2006-08-17T18:47:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it has been 2 months since I last posted on here.
I can't believe summer is almost over.
I can't believe that.... that I can't think of anything else I can't believe.

So. September 8th, 1999. I got on a plane in Seattle and flew to Las Vegas.
That was the day that I met Rick for the first time. We spent 3 days together and a month later I moved to Denver.

This year we will be in Vegas those same 3 days... 7 years later.
Wow!
It has gone by sooooo dang fast!

I'm taking my camera, so I will post some pics on here when we get back. I can't wait to go. I really, really need a vacation. Maybe for 4 days, I can forget I have MS, and pretend it is 7 years ago.

One heckuva green thumb....

2006-06-17T22:32:00.000-06:00

I have discovered a hidden talent... I can grow the most amazing amount of weeds imaginable.

My little garden looked so impressive when I first planted it. I had such high hopes but they have been dashed. I'm not usually one to give up so easily, but I quit. The weeds declared war and I surrendered. I just don't have the energy to fight.

In other news... I'm accepting donations for bail money. The wildflowers I planted along the side of the house look suspiciously like marijuana. Unless they start sprouting flowers soon, I'm sure it will only a matter of time before I get busted. On the other hand... this could be extra income, if you know what I mean... and you know who you are...

Tradition

2006-06-01T21:39:00.000-06:00

Every year on Memorial Day, we take a trip to the mountains. Seven years ago Rick and I won at poker on a Sunday night, before Memorial Day. When we were driving home at 3 or 4 in the morning, he suggested that we stop at Safeway, buy stuff to make sandwiches and invite his famiy to come with us to the mountains in Boulder to remember their mother, father and sister.

Not everyone made it, but it was a good day, one we wanted to repeat each year, with the entire family.

Since then, it has become an annual event. We put a lot more thought and planning into and usually, we all show up. We travel to the same spot and every year our picnic table is waiting for us. We eat, then take a short hike up the boulders to this spot in the picture. We spend time reflecting and we take a lot of pictures.

I feel so grateful to be a part of this family. They are crazy and fun and we fight and we love each other. I couldn't ask for more.

Under construction!

2006-05-25T21:27:00.000-06:00

By brother is messing around on here, trying to get my blog to look a little more unique. Since I am an HTML idiot.. I'm grateful to him and won't complain that the red on purple hurts my eyes!

I've had a strange fascination with lady bugs lately, so I'm going for a lady bug-like theme... we'll see how it goes.

Anyway... I started my shots yesterday. Yikes! Actually, it wasn't so bad. I shocked myself that I could actually stick myself with a needle.

Hope everyone is doing well, I hope to start posting more soon. My eyes are still really messed up so I try not to look at words for too long. For anyone who knows me, they know how hard that is, since I usually have my nose in a book. Sigh....

ANYWAY... my garden is starting to grow! I planted seeds that are actually sprouting! I'm amazed. My wildflowers are growing too. Life is good.... =)

Congrats to my favorite college graduate!

2006-05-14T00:42:00.000-06:00

Brandi, you GO girl! I'm so proud of you. And I'm so happy you are back home. And yes, I did get teary eyed today. I'm so glad we were there. What you did is a HUGE accomplishment.

I can't believe whenI met Brandi, she was only 16. Now she is a college graduate. I've watched her grow into this amazing woman and I feel blessed and lucky to have her in my life. I feel honored to know her. I wish I had been that "together" and focused at her age. She makes me want to do bigger and better things.

Congrats again, Brandi.... love ya lots, see ya at your party!

Turn out the lights... the party is over.

2006-05-10T22:10:00.000-06:00

The pity party, that is.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of being afraid of the future.

I go to see my neuro tomorrow. I have to tell him which disease modifying drug I want to start taking. I've decided on the drug called Rebif. I will be injecting myself with a shot, 3 times a week. It has an injector, so hopefully it won't be too bad. I've heard the side effects can be pretty yucky, right after the injection you can have anxiety attacks, then you get flu like symptoms, such as chills, fever, body aches.. they are supposed to ease with time. The drug can also reak havoc with my liver, so they will have to watch and test it often. But the drug is proven to delay disability, prevent relapses and reduce MRI lesion activity and area.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that my insurance covers it. The annual price for these drugs runs about $20,000.

I need to win the lotto.

Undeserving....

2006-05-08T21:42:00.000-06:00

I had my annual review at work today. I have been dreading it. This hasn't exactly been my best year.

My boss called me into his office at 9:55am. He told me that he understood the health issues that I was dealing with, and thought that under the circumstances, I was doing an amazing job. We were finished on by 10:05am.

I was floored.

He gave me the highest possible raise I could receive. I wanted to cry. He is a great boss and like so many other people in my life, I feel like I am letting him down.

The steroids are taking their toll on me. I'm cranky, depressed, bloated and have a face full of acne. This is just one big party... and I'm craving chocolate like you wouldn't believe.

I know it sounds like I'm having a pity party... well, I am. I'm feeling sorry for myself today and I've decided that it's okay to feel this way. As long as I snap out of it, and don't wallow in it forever.

Well fiddle dee dee... tomorrow is another day. I have high hopes.

A New Hobby

2006-05-07T22:05:00.000-06:00

I've decided to take up gardening. My project for the summer.... our backyard.

Now, for anyone who has seen our backyard, you realize that I'm completely out of my mind. It has been severely neglected for 7 years. It is an overgrown, brown, ugly piece of chaos. I'm determined to turn it into something... nice.

I woke up at 6:30am this morning. I was dressed and outside plotting and planning by 8:00am. I felt well rested and full of energy. I needed tools. By the time I brought the rakes, shovels and various other garden tools from the garage to the backyard, I was exhausted. I'm not kidding. Fatigue is a side effect I'm having difficulty adjusting to.

My master plan is to grow a vegetable garden. Rick's brother, sister-in-law and niece came up and they were a HUGE help. Shelley and Brandi helped me plant a rose garden, and Reuben tilled the ground for my vegetable garden. Rick and I spent the entire day working and by the time we started to put stuff away, you could actually see an improvement. It was very satisfying. Although, I'm so tired, I can barely move.

I have to go to bed, I'll write more later. This blog has become soooo boring.

The new "do"

2006-04-30T10:38:00.000-06:00

So, here is what it looks likes with 12 inches wacked off! My good friend Brittany did a great job. We went to beauty school together, and now she is a professional, while I'm... umm. Not sure. Can't exactly do hair with a numb right hand, huh?

Anyway, I love it. It felt very liberating. Rick has always like my hair long, so when I asked him if he thought it was too short, he said "no, it will grow back." I haven't exactly told him that I may not want to grow it back. This is very easy to take care of, and right now, I need easy!

On another subject... I saw my neuro last week. He put me back on steroids since I'm still numb and my vision is still kinda screwy. We also discussed the different disease modifying MS drugs that are available. There are currently 4, we narrowed it down to 3, and sent me home with kits from each of the different drug companies to read and make a decision. It's a lot of information to take in, and I just wish he would tell me which one to do, but he said it is a personal decision, so I have to be a grown up and decide. Either way, I will be taking shots.. yikes.

Well, I'm feeling pretty good today, so I'm off to go shopping and have lunch with my friend Candice.

Laters!

MS is like a box of chocolates...

2006-04-26T22:35:00.000-06:00

You never know what you're gonna get.

Haha.

I read that on the National MS Message board this morning and decided to adopt it as my new slogan. Because I'm finding that no 2 people are alike or have the same symptoms, but there sure are a lot of us out there.

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I got "the news". I will be honest, I didn't take it very well. I've cried and felt sorry for myself more in the last 2 weeks than maybe in my whole life. I've thrown tantrums and yelled and screamed like a 2 year old. I've asked why me. And then today, I realized, why not me?

I haven't completely come to terms with all of this, but for now I have a little bit of peace in my heart that I can accept what comes.

I'll post more later.... I see my neurologist tomorrow, it should be interesting.

They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle...

2006-04-18T09:52:00.000-06:00

Why does he trust me so much?

For those of you who don't know yet, I was diagnosed with MS last Thursday. Since I first got sick 10 months ago, I always knew this was a possibility, I just never believed it would happen to me.

I'm still kinda in the "why me" phase and feeling pretty sorry for myself. I'm trying really hard to be positive, but it's not quite as easy as I wish it were.

I will once again start IV Steroids today. When I had them last summer, I swore I would never do it again. The side effects were so horrible. But they assured me that the second time you get them, the side effects aren't as bad. I only decided to do it because the entire right side of my body is numb and I'm having difficulty seeing. I have been told by several people that the steroids help your vision, quickly. That is what I'm praying for. It's bad enough not to be able to function with one arm and one leg, I don't want to be blind too.

Well, I just wanted to put an update on here in case anyone reads it, you will know what is going on with me.

Getting to know me... getting to know all about me... la de da...

2006-04-10T20:36:00.000-06:00

I stole this questionnaire from boredhousewife, and because I'm feeling a tad bit sorry for myself today, I think I'll give it a go... Besides, I can't think of anything original to write about today... I changed some of the questions and deleted a couple I didn't want to answer... it's my blog, I can do what I want! Hehe.

1. Last kiss? Tonight, when I got home from having MRIs.
2. How do you flush the toilet in public? With my foot.
3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Yes.
4. Do you have a crush on someone? Umm, yes. His name is Rick and he is hot!
5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it: Baby Lotion.
6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? No one I can think of.
7. Favorite pizza topping: I can't eat pizza anymore... ahhh, but back in the day, cheese, cheese and more cheese, you can never have too much cheese.
8. Finish this sentence: if my life was a sitcom my theme song would be... Working For The Weekend.
9. Do you pop your knuckles? No.
10. What song do you dislike the most when it gets stuck in your head? Christmas carols, Rick hums or whistles them ALL the time, even in the summer.
11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? Fa la la la la la la la la... what was that?
12. What are your super powers? I can jump from really high places without hurting myself and I can run for very long distances without get tired... of course, these super powers require some serious REM (dream state not the rock group).
13. Peppermint or spearmint? Peppermint.
14. Where are your keys? Hanging on a key shaped key holder that Rick's dad made.
15. Who's answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear? Anyone and everyone!
16. What's your most annoying habit? Saying sorry all the time.
17. Where did you last go on vacation? Seattle.
18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it, who would it be? Paris Hilton.
19. What is your best physical feature? I can't think of one, but Rick mentioned my boobs and my eyes.
20. What CD is closest to you right now? The Best of Yaz.
21. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Oranges, Eggs & an assortment of veggies. I'm not kidding.
22. What superstition do you believe/practice? Karma and don't count your chickens before they hatch.
23. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive? Yes! How did I ever live without being able to talk on the phone while I drive? I mean who can wait to get home to make a call?
24. What are your favorite sayings? I hate to admit this, but "whatever"... I mean, how old am I, 12???
25. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower? I can't remember the last time I sang in the shower.
26. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go? I would go back to the summer before my senior year of high school, and I would MAKE my parents let me stay and graduate with my friends instead of moving to a new town with them. It was at this time that I started to gain weight, so I would nip that in the bud too. I know, get over it...
27. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie? Regarding Henry.
28. What CD is in your stereo? Umm, there are 100 of them, I'm not going to bore you with the details.
29. What OCD qualities do you have? Where do I start? I count steps when I go up or down stairs, I check the stove about 20 times before I can leave the house, I count each swipe of my mascara wand against the bottle before applying it...unfortunately, the list goes on and on...
30. How many kids do you plan on having? At least one, but I better hurry up.
31. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be? Bono.
32. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know? Been there, done that... but I have to say, there is nothing like kissing and being kissed by the person you love.
33. What do you do when no one is watching? Nothing worth mentioning.
34. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would play you? Meg Ryan before the plastic surgery.
35. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep? Peacefully in my sleep, after a great night of.... is my mother reading this?
36. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most? It wasn't candy, it was a banana cream frozen thingy on a stick. When we would visit my grandparents during the summer, we would walk down to the local gas station, cuz we were cool like that, and buy these frozen ice cream treats that tasted like they were made from cream, real vanilla and fresh bananas.... I would kill for one right now!
37. What is your favorite movie? The Sound of Music.
38. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert? U2, Dixie Chicks, Garth Brooks, Van Halen.
39. Have you ever been in love? Yep.
40. Do you talk to yourself? All the time.
41. Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the face off the earth? Paris Hilton.

Spinning on that dizzy edge...

2006-03-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today is a dizzy day. And I don't mean blonde dizzy.

For anyone who doesn't know, I have something called Transverse Myelitis.

The clinical yet easy to understand definition of TM is this: a rare neurological disorder caused by inflammation of the spinal cord; transverse simply describes the position of the inflammation, that is, across the width of the spinal cord. Attacks of inflammation can damage or destroy the myelin, the fatty insulating substance that covers nerve cell fibers. This damage causes nervous system scars that interrupt communications between the nerves in the spinal cord and the rest of the body.

Now, doesn't that sound like fun?

Transverse Myelitis sucks.

Most days I remember that I am grateful not to be paralyzed. Life for me could be a lot worse.

But today, I feel like feeling sorry for myself.

One of the effects from TM is a loss of balance and dizziness. Oh yeah, and today, I have it by the truckloads. If you were to walk behind me, you would think that I have been drinking.

A lot.

I am unable to walk a straight line. I've fallen into the wall on my way back to the bathroom about 10 times today. I'm sure my boss checked my desk drawers for liquor when I left this afternoon. I should have left him a note...

Dear Bob,
I am not drunk.
I just appear that way.
Thank you for understanding.
Kim

Just for laughs, I tried to do a drunk test. You know, walk heel to toe. Ha.

Haha.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

At least I still have my sense of humor.

I think I'll go lie down and watch the room spin.

Laters.

Deal... Or No Deal

2006-03-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

Ha! Bet you thought I was going to talk about that game show that is sweeping the nation... heh.

Last October Rick and I made a deal. If I lost 50 pounds, I could get my hair cut, short. Now, I'm sure you are probably saying to yourself... hey, who is he to say if you can cut your hair or not, it's not his hair, it's yours. And you are correct. It is my decision. I have enjoyed having long hair and I have enjoyed that Rick likes it long, but I have also been itching to make a change for some time now, so don't get your undies in a bunch.

Usually when someone has a weight loss goal, there is a reward in the end, other than the obvious improved health and looks, such as a vacation or a new wardrobe or jewelry, etc... But, because my total weight loss goal is so freakin' monumental, it is hard for me to see the end of the road. Which is very discouraging. This is how our deal started. Rick suggested mini goals. A big reward for every 50 pounds I lose.

Just the fact that I have more than 50 pounds to lose is so very embarrassing, discourage, revolting and depressing....

Anyway.

I agreed that the mini goals were just what I needed to stay motivated. Cutting my hair as my reward was my idea.

So, I started Jenny Craig in October. Right before the holidays. Suprisingly, I did pretty well. By January I had lost 31 pounds. Only 19 more, I was getting so close to that goal! Then I fell into a slump. I stopped JC, and went back to my old, bad habits. It's hard to ignore the junk food when its calling to me... The pounds began to creep back on, which made me depressed, so I would eat more to make myself feel better, which made me more depressed... you see the cycle.

In February, Rick suggested that we try something new, together. Slim 4 Life. I had heard the commercials on the radio. I wasn't convinced. I was pretty sure it was just another gimmick to get you to spend your money on their products with little to no results. But I agreed to go with him and listen to their pitch. I was suprised. Their program made sense, without being too difficult OR expensive to follow.

As of yesterday, I have lost 24.75 pounds, in 5 weeks. Combine that with the weight I lost doing JC plus what I gained back, and I am down a total of 47.75 pounds since we made our deal in October. 2.25 pounds more and I have reached my first goal!

My friend Brittany has offered to cut my hair. So now, I'm freaking out. This is something I have wanted to do for so long now, but my hair has become like my Linus blanket. I'm not sure I'm ready to let it go.

So, deal.... or no deal.

Time will tell.

I'm only 2.25 pounds away.

ACCESS DENIED

2006-03-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well.
Crap.
I can no longer blog at work.
They busted me.

I'm actually considering purchasing a laptop, so I can sit in the coffee shop next door to my office during lunch, and blog. Which is insane. Because I don't have the money to buy a laptop. I have a perfectly good PC at home. But I don't have time to blog at home. There is housework and laundry and meals to prepare and dishes to do and a dog to play with and a boyfriend to play with... hehe.

My definition of blogging: To spend an hour or so, typing and retyping a post for my own blog, only to delete it, and move on to voraciously read all other blogs that I have become addicted to.

How is it that I become so easily obsessed with internet... things?

When I got my first computer back in the late 90's, I could spend hours and hours just searching for "stuff". Random stuff. Then I discovered chat rooms and IMing (instant messaging). Friends and family both thought I would need an intervention and a 12 step program to cure myself of that addiction. Then I met a boy and moved half way across the country. Isn't that what happens to people in cults?

Anyway... I am a late bloomer to blogging. There is something almost a little naughty about reading someone's inner most thoughts. A little like taking a peak into their diary, their heart, their soul. Blogs for the most part are intensely personal. I have created and deleted a handful of blogs, thinking it would be easier to blog annonymously. I have been afraid to share anything too personal on this blog, I am after all, the Queen of Too Much Information. So I may not get everything right on here. I hope that I don't offend anyone who might happen to read it. Just know that I'm inviting you into a very personal space. And take it for what it is.

Much to my suprise

2006-03-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

Someone actually reads this thing! It was recently brought to my attention that I haven't posted on here in quite a while. I was shocked. I really didn't know that anyone even read this, except for Brandi and Reuben. So, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to check in. I do appreciate it, and I will resume posting.

Having said that, or typed it, as it were, I must say this: PLEASE COMMENT! For a blogger, nothing is more discouraging than to know that what you write isn't worthy of any comments. We live for comments. We die for comments. Please comment. Side note... begging is not intentional.

To comment, simply click on the comment link at the bottom of each post. There is a pencil right next to it and and my comment link usually says 0 Comments (hint, hint). From there, you can post annonymously, or sign up for a Blogger account. Signing up for a Blogger account is free, by the way.

Anywho... I wish I had something really exciting to blog about, but at the moment, my life is pretty, dang dull. Well, except for the fact that I turned 39 the end of February, and nobody remembered. Okay, I exaggerate. Rick remembered. And my mom remembered, but didn't call me until after 6pm, so I'm not sure that really counts. Oh yeah, and my youngest brother remembered. And Candice, but since she was living with us at the time, she couldn't help it. Although, to her credit, I know she would have remembered even if she was still living in Seattle. So I had quite the pity part for myself that day. But the next day, Shelley and Brandi called me, and all felt right with the world again. I hadn't been completely forgotten. Obviously the pity party is still lingering somewhat. But hey, I'm 39 now. Time to grow up, right? Rick did tell me that he is throwing a big party for me next year. 40. Holy crap. I don't even want to think about that right now, I will probably hope everyone forgets next year as well.

Well, enough about that. Geez.

So boys and girls. What did we learn today? COMMENT, COMMENT, COMMENT. Oh yeah, and never forget Kim's birthday.

The Gay Cowboy Movie

2006-02-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

I finally saw Brokeback Mountain yesterday. I have to say, I was a little disappointed. Don't get me wrong, it was a good movie. I had already read the story, and it stayed completely true to it. But, I don't know.... I left the theatre feeling a little let down. There has been such hype about how great this movie was, and I just didn't feel it. I wanted to leave the theatre feeling changed, feeling moved. I didn't. I'm glad I saw it, but it is not a movie I plan to buy and watch over and over again.

What I really wanted to go see was Memoirs of a Geisha. I just finished reading the book last weekend, and LOVED IT! Unfortunately, it was only playing in very limited theatres so we went to the other one. Maybe I'll go see it today.

Well, this blog is boring even me, so I will spare anyone who might be reading it further torture.

Tata for now...

Blondi girl gone bad...

2006-02-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is. It is still kinda red because I just got it done about 2 hours ago, instead of yesterday. Don't ask.

Any way, I LOVE it! But I'm not going to lie... it HURT! Thankfully, because it is so small, it only took about 5 minutes. The artist asked me if it felt like he was scraping the bone, and I said "YES!!" And he told me that he practically was, there is no meat on your toes. I'm one tough chickie! At least I think so.

The Super Bowl starts in an hour or so... GO SEAHAWKS!!!!

Twinkle toes.

2006-02-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm getting a tattoo. A very small one, on my toe. It will look like a toe ring. I'm very excited and as the day approaches, a little nervous too. I'm not real big on pain.

Not everyone is as excited about it as me. When I told my mom over the phone, I could actually hear her shaking her head and rolling her eyes. She then told me yesterday that she told my dad, to which he replied "where did we go wrong in raising our kids?". And although Rick says he doesn't mind if I get one, he keeps telling that it says somewhere in the bible that we shouldn't mark our bodies. I told him that we are already doing things the bible tells us not to do. Where do you draw the line?

I'm drawing it on my toe.

I'll post pictures of it on Sunday.

Always a bridesmaid...

2006-01-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

So, something really nice happened to me today, but for some weird reason, it made me cry. One of my dearest friends asked me to be in her wedding. I was shocked and happy and sad all at the same time.

Shocked, because my friend Brittany is tall and pretty and has a great body, and I'm well... me. The extreme opposite.

Happy, because it touched me that even though I look so dumpy and frumpy, and could possibly ruin her wedding pictures, she still asked me anyway.

Sad, because, well... Brittany is young enough to be my daughter. Enough said.

Happy Happy Birthday Baby....

2006-01-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

Today is my boyfriend Rick's birthday. I love this day, because for the next 47 days, we will be the same age. I always assumed that I would end up with someone older than myself, so it came as quite a suprise when I fell in love with a guy 1 year younger. He tells me that I am robbing the cradle, and that I am his "sugar momma", hmmpf.

I left birthday cards to him on the seat of his Durango this morning. They were from his "kids", our cats, Jordan and Simon and our dog Bailey. We are going bowling with his family tonight.

Happy Birthday, Rick! I love you!!!

Feeling sorry for myself

2006-01-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

I am sick. I feel like I have a migraine in my face, my teeth hurt, my eyeball hurts, I can't breath through my nose and my throat is dry. Sinus Infection, thats what the doctor is calling it, I'm calling it slow, painful death. I haven't slept since Wednesday night, even though in the last 24 hours I have taken 2 Percocets and 3 Vicodins. I'm a little on the verge of hysteria tonight, wondering if I will be able to sleep. And it is Friday, poker night, and I'm at home blowing my nose. This hasn't been a great start to the new year. Oh, and I have to weigh in tomorrow morning.... Good times.

You can't always get what you want...

2006-01-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

When I was a young girl, I never had any ambition to have a career. I knew girls who wanted to be teachers or doctors or scientists, but all I ever wanted to be was a mom. In my mind, because I wanted it, it would happen. Well, here I am, 38, on the nerve racking verge of 39 and I have no children.

I have recently discovered, that perhaps this is for the best, because if I'm really honest with myself, I may not have been a very good mother. I always thought I would be, everyone always told me that I would be, but I'm not so sure.

I have a really bad cold right now. Probably the worst head cold I have ever had. I bent over to get a pot from the drawer under the stove tonight and I thought my head was going to explode. I am miserable. My dog has wanted to play with me since the moment I walked in the door tonight, and all I have done is told her no, not now, go play with your dad. What if I had a child that needed my attention? Someone for sure would be turning me into Child Protective Services. But my Bailey is the sweetest, most loving and forgiving dog in the world. She just keeps coming back and giving me kisses, before she drops a toy at my feet to throw for her. She stares at me with those big brown eyes, and I am ashamed that I could put my own agony before her.

I don't know how some women are such great mothers. I'm not sure I have it in me, maybe this is why I don't have any children. I always wanted to have children, but it looks like I got what I needed with my dog Bailey.

Do Over!

2005-12-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were a kid, there was such a thing as "do overs"? If you messed up playing hopscotch, you could always call "do over", and you got to do it over. It was great. When you are a grown up, there are no "do overs". Until now. I would like to say that this is my first post on my first blog, but it isn't... this is a do over.

I deleted my first blog because I was embarrassed by how much I had spilled my guts, for the whole internet world to see. My second blog was deleted due to technical difficulties. The third time is a charm, or so they say. We shall see...

A little about me... I am a 38 year old girl, yes girl. I live in Denver with my boyfriend Rick, our cats, Simon and Jordan, and our spoiled, 2 year old yellow lab, Bailey. Rick and I met in a chat room on the internet and we have been together for over 6 years. Sometimes those things do work out. I made a decision over 7 years ago to stop going to church, so I now consider myself a non-practicing Mormon. I know the politically correct term now is "less active", but for me, that constitutes some level of activity, which I don't have.

I had a really difficult time feeling the Christmas spirit this year. My house was festive, I baked cookies like a mad woman, gifts were purchased, wrapped and placed under the tree, cards and packages were mailed on time, I played Christmas music at home, at work and in my car, and yet that feeling of excitement, anticipation and wonder that I felt when I was a child, eluded me. Does it go away when we grow up?

I am not feeling as blue as I was a few days ago, New Year's Eve is tomorrow, and I love the New Year. I guess for me, it is an adult "do over". It is a chance to right all the wrongs from the previous year, to accomplish what wasn't. I love the idea of starting over. In October, I started eating right (hate the word "diet") and excersizing. By mid-December, I had dropped 29.2 lbs. I haven't weighed in for 2 weeks, because of all the baking I did, I taste tested everything, and ate like there was no tomorrow. Well, tomorrow came, and it felt fat. So on Monday, I am calling a "do over". On Monday, I am back in control and on my way to a new me. Not a new me, a better me.

Happy New Year to you all! Here's to new beginnings, fresh starts and do overs!